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Sometimes My Job Is Easy

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My work is done for today. I suggest the cops in Grand Junction all check their cars’ tailpipes (a la Beverly Hills Cop) . And who markets yellow guns that smell like fruit, anyway?

 
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Posted by on November 26, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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I Miss Being Able To Say “Oh Shit” Online

When you blog for a reason, I’ve found that you develop an online persona. People come to expect certain things from your blog and you as the writer.

Way back when I started blogging (circa 2005, I believe), I was doing brief, humorous snippets, many of which were based on real-life events. I ran that blog on Delphi forms. Some of the humor was off color; but it was all in good fun.

Around the heyday of my martial arts classes, I started up a blog corresponding to that part of my life as well. Now I linked both of these profiles (the martial arts blog and the humor blog) to my respective personas on Twitter and on Facebook.

…and then kids and teenagers began to follow me.

gan

YOU…SHALL NOT…CUSS!!!!

 

All of a sudden, I found myself censoring my subjects on the humor blog cause I didn’t want some child that looked up to “Wayne Boozer, karate master”, to get the wrong impression of who I was at the time. It was really just being responsible; but I consciously made more time for the karate blog than the humor blog.

…and thus, much funny fell by the wayside…..

Honestly, there were COUNTLESS subjects that I refrained from touching upon because I restricted the material myself. I couldn’t have some kid read about how to throw a proper punch in karate, then turn around and entertain himself with a near shart-incident that happened at Wal-Mart when I tried to be all nonchalant about passing gas in a public place. It just wasn’t right.

fart

I’m gonna teach you how to throw a correct karate punch, but first, lemme tell this fart joke.

 

…so my humor blog, and an eventual attempt at a reincarnation, consequently died.

…but my sense of humor didn’t.

Fast forward a few years and I’ve since retired from karate, Unlike my increasingly dusty master’s belt, my wit is still pretty polished, and I’m having to remind myself that I can actually bring back some of the off-color humor.

…and occasionally cuss.

“shit” – there, see? I did it! That was a big step for me y’all…..

Now keep in mind, my oldest daughter is almost 12, and I’m introducing her to the wonderful world of blogging (cause she’s a budding writer as well). While she does NOT follow me here to a certain degree, I do still have to monitor myself. I can’t go off on some wild tangent poking fun at the sexual exploits of Larry King.

…but then again, that might actually be a fun.

<I just put that subject in Google Note…..if my wife picks up my phone it’ll take me forever to explain it>

Needless to say, I’m looking forward to stretching my blogging legs again. It was a real hoot back in the day (and to get an idea, take a peek at the archived blogs on the right….I put that there in case anyone needs a late-night giggle). I may occasionally use a “less-than-appropriate” word.

“dick” ….ha! I love this freedom!

Seriously, I miss being able to express myself, cause I was really developing a knack for it. I was right about to ask someone to start paying me for it….well, no one in particular…and really, it was just wishful thinking on my part; but I was awfully entertaining…to myself.

Fuck.

jir

And if you know who this is, I’ll gladly follow YOU.

 

Okay…it’s outta my system for now. See ya next time, folks.

 

 

 
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Posted by on November 26, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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…spoiled….

Maybe I’m getting lazy in my old age. Maybe the rat race is finally wearing on me.

Yesterday, a co-worker of mine and I were lamenting having to work for half a day on Thanksgiving -eve.

…oh, the horror.

Clock

Don’t laugh. You do it too.

 

I’m gonna come out and say it – my job is not difficult. I have easy hours. Sure, I have to be at my desk at 7am, but I’m out of there by 4pm AT THE LATEST. I get holidays. I get 2 weeks vacation. When I’m on-call, I can manage things from the comfort of my home.

…and yet I complain about the inconvenience of going to work, and I’m a habitual clock-watcher.

Look, folks, I didn’t always have easy jobs (I was once a personal trainer at a health club that catered to male strippers…..it was NOT as glamorous as you’d like to believe). I’ve paid my dues, much like many, before landing something worthwhile like this. As a matter of fact, the ratio of hours & responsibilities  to pay at my job immediately previous to this one kinda SUCKED. I had to be at work at 5am, worked for 12 hours a day for 5 days per week, had to give up my weekends when on call to be at the office at 5am & spend half the day there….the list goes on, but you get the idea. Attempting to be a family man while managing that mess was next to impossible; and holidays meant jack squat.

…but it got me by. I needed a job when I took it and it fit the bill.

One of my co-workers, in fact, actually used to work with me at my previous job. I sorta stole her away. We now laugh at the long, thankless hours we used to pull over there. We laugh because we both decided we’re too old for it. I’ve worked overnight shifts. I’ve been in 24-hour industries. I’ll be honest with you, the older I get, the less I want long hours. The more I want my holidays and vacation time. I like my free time; and I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I value the free time more than I value making all the money in the world. I like being home with my kids, doing stuff that doesn’t involve office duties on weekends, and occasionally being lazy.

bum

My job could be much worse, folks. I wonder if this guy has health benefits and a 401K…

 

I remember being the workaholic. I remember not minding the long hours. I remember the stress. I’m simply declaring myself too old for it. I’m letting myself get spoiled…and proudly at that. I haven’t spent 20+ years in the workforce to be stressed out on the job. I know that’s a luxury in this day and age. A lot of folks work much harder than I do, and do it well into ages much older than I am now. I have relatives, older and younger, that work really, really hard hours, and spend their time away from their families to bring home the bacon. My parents drilled into my head that I’m not supposed to work my fingers to the bone until I die. I’m supposed to scale back as I get older and enjoy life more. Mom’s lesson stuck with me.

I get off around noon tomorrow. :-)

 
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Posted by on November 25, 2014 in Office Space

 

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Huh?!

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Trying to figure out exactly how and why this became my home screen on my phone’s browser. My wife is gonna love this.

 
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Posted by on November 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Facebook for 2, Please….

The other day, the wifey and I decided to start separate Facebook accounts.

I had no idea that it was such big news to do so…..

So a co-worker inquires about it at work, saying that “it’s nice to see you with your own Facebook account”. The statement kinda left me perplexed. See, wifey and I have had a joint account for about a year now. Prior to that, we mutually agreed to kill off our old accounts back in 2012 cause we needed to reset our social media batteries, so we said goodbye to Facebook and stepped away.

In 2013, we were listening to a particularly good sermon in church (of all places) and the minister got on the subject of folks accepting a couple socially as just that…a couple. Well, when we heard that, having many of the same friends, we decided to jump back into the Facebook scene. Granted, the past year has taught me that not only are there not a lot of couples’ accounts on Facebook, but those that are tend to be the subject of occasional ridicule because most folks see that as one spouse being “all up in the other’s business”.

Well, I got news for ya. It’s my wife’s job to be all up in my business. It’s my job to be all up in hers.

…um that’s why we got married, cause we don’t mind the other’s inquiries.

Unfortunately, such (in my opinion) is the fallacy of social media. I mean, really, what conversation should someone have with me or my wife on Facebook (or any other online platform for that matter) that the other doesn’t need to know about? If it’s that sensitive, then you need to call me. Ain’t nothing wrong with using your phone to talk, y’know. Sure, you can see this as being a little too “joined at the hip” to my wife; but if we weren’t that close we’d still just be dating. When you’re married, you share each other’s space, each other’s thoughts, and “privacy” means your significant other is usually in the room with you.  I mean for heaven’s sake, she’ll walk in the bathroom while I’m pooing. Of course she knows who my friends are on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

snooping

That’s funny, I don’t remember him having any friends named “Booty Call”.

Someone once told me that your spouse should always be able to pick up your cell phone unannounced. Unless you’re planning a surprise party for them, why the heck not? My name is not Anthony Weiner, and the only person I sext is my wife.

…you should try it….it’s fun; but I digress….

So, getting back to my original point (yes, I have one); the single account was created cause I recently got into Ancestry.com. I’ve ventured to getting in touch with relatives that use Facebook as an outlet for communication. It’s just easier to not inundate our mutual account with all that if I don’t have to. So, I log in, I look to see who’s made contact, I log back out. That way, poor wifey isn’t subject with my conversations with “cousin so and so” that I haven’t spoken to in 10 years.

As far as the detractors go, maybe y’all should try a mutual account with your significant other. It forces you to be open. It encourages communication. I’m not saying you have to do it; but it’s actually rather fun. It gives you more things to talk about.

 
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Posted by on November 20, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Dad’s Nursery Rhymes of My Childhood

Mom taught me all the great ones, including Old Mother Hubbard, Sing a Song Of Sixpence, Old King Cole and so many others from the Book of Mother Goose.

…and then there was my late father, whose teachings were…um…lesser known.

For example:
The monkey and the baboon sitting in the grass.
The monkey stuck his finger up the baboon’s a**.
The baboon said “hey, that’s no fair…sticking your finger where there ain’t no hair!”

You can imagine how well this went over when I recited this to mom at age 5.

You’re welcome.

 
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Posted by on November 20, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

…back in the 60’s….

http://justboozerii.tumblr.com/post/100314763726/photogrid-the-map-on-top-courtesy-of

Just sayin’, y’all…

 
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Posted by on November 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

 
 
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