Protein Shake From Hell

This is another one from a few years back.  It was originally in my old blog, but when I read it, it still made me laugh. Enjoy!

It’s 2006 folks.  You can wear a phone in your ear.  You can listen to over 1000 different songs from a tiny device that fits in the palm of your hand.  There are all kinds of innovative and technological advances in this day and age.

So why do sports drinks that you mix with milk still taste like crap?

Is it that difficult to make something that doesn’t have the consistency of tar?

I’m a veteran of all this healthy-trend bullshit.  As a matter of fact, my first post-high school sport was bodybuilding.  Even when I was in the tender teenage years, I would get up at 4:30 in the morning, meet my best friend at the gym at 5, work out for 2 hours, and go outside to drink the worst looking, and tasting, coagulated milky substance known to man.

But it was a protein shake, and we were gullible….and protein shakes were cool.  They made you feel like a bodybuilder.  Who knew that feeling was equivalent to puking?  We usually spent the ride to school fighting the urge for our digestive systems to reverse gears.

Eventually, I wised up.  I mean, my mother is a dietitian by profession (well, was a dietitian, she retired at the beginning of this year).  Eat right, and no need for the protein shakes.  Besides, if you read into the subject of sports shakes, most of it really is hyped-up placebo.  Besides, the deeper I got into the “sport” of bodybuilding, the more drugs I saw.  Well, I didn’t want to get into a drug-influenced sport, so I did an about face.  Haven’t touched protein shake stuff since.

Now I’ve learned a lot in the 19 years I’ve spent keeping myself in shape.  I’m pretty good at doing the things that work best for me.  The other day, some aerobics instructor from the YMCA gives me about 5 protein shake packets “out of the kindness of her heart”…evidently she gets them for free as a perk from the gym.  Little did I know that this is part of a grand scheme to get rid of the things is the most sanitary manner.  See, they’re evidently not bio-degradable…so landfills won’t work.

Now I’m a forgiving person,  although it took my digestive system about 5 years to recover from abuse the first time around, I’m willing to give it another shot.  I’m between karate tournaments and I’m working out to put on a little more muscle and get stronger.  Hey, and extra helping of “new millennium protein elixir” couldn’t hurt, could it?  The advances in technology should’ve done wonders to the  taste and consistency of the ‘mix it yourself’ protein shake world.  It’s an exciting time people!!

In a rush to get to work this morning (as usual) I grabbed a packet and bought myself a pint of milk.  Great – meal replacement in a time of need.  See people, I actually have a smoothie maker at my house .  One day I will learn how to use it; but 8:07 AM when I’m running out the door because I should’ve left at 8 is not the time to do it.

But I figured this was a small and negotiable detail.  Hey, it’s 2006.  Things have changed since 1988, dontchathink?

Got to work and proceeded to mix my “chocolate cream” protein shake with my milk.  Sounds delicious, don’t it?  Chocolate cream….I mean it sounds like a flavor of ice cream, cake or candy….just makes your mouth water……

Well, step one was to drink some of the milk and pour the packet into the bottle.  Unfortunately, these packets do not come with the warning that the powder will come out in boulder-like clumps with the speed of a glacial avalanche.

This resulted in chocolate powder all over my desk.  Wonderful.

After I swept off my desk, I resumed step one….and achieved the same results again.

“Okay, this ain’t working”, I thought to myself, so in my brilliance, I decided to drink some more of the now “milk-ish” (is that even a word??) chocolate shake to give myself more room to pour in the remainder of the mix.

So I shook it.

When I popped the cap back off the milk, I realized that there had been no change.  When you shake something that’s SUPPOSED to dissolve, you get some type of results, right?  Well, the milk was trapped beneath the powder.  So I shook again….hard…..really hard.  I almost threw out a shoulder, but I got results.

Popped the cap off again and drank some…..

…and swallowed a wet chocolate turd that had the consistency of chalk on the way down.

My body immediately wretched when I did this, and in self defense against choking on this boulder stuck in my throat, I coughed.  When I did so, I emitted a puff of chocolate smoke, which covered my keyboard and monitor….

Most folks would’ve given up at this point, but your hero is hard-headed.

I actually got the rest of this stuff into the bottle of milk.  Completely oblivious to what had just happened to me.  Evidently there was a part of me that thought it would get better.  Well I shook and shook until I got something that resembled a milkshake…..at last!  This is gonna really hit the spot.

When I opened the bottle, I first saw that there was still a ½ inch of chocolate powder lodged in the neck.  So, I went to the kitchen and got myself a glass to pour in my mid-morning meal.  When I turned the bottle over, I actually had to shake it to get it out….and it really wasn’t pretty.  All the consistency of cake mix….without the taste.

So I got a spoon to stir out the remaining clumps.

The spoon ACTUALLY STOOD UP IN THE BOTTLE.

At long last I began to admit to myself that there have been no innovative changes the do-it-yourself protein shake world.  Conceding defeat, I attempted to drink my witches brew.

…and was forced to chew it.

I’m not even going to tell you what swallowing was like…..let’s just say that after 7 hours I don’t think it’s made it to my stomach yet.  I only got through 5 spoonfulls, because the thought of getting a mouth full of this stuff put the fear of God in me.

So I have once again jumped off the protein shake bandwagon.  My second ride was a short one, and I have since determined that the aerobics instructor was actually trying to kill me so that my karate classes do not compete with her.

If you have any enemies, please let me know.  I will gladly ship the remaining packets to them.  They may get stuck in the mail though, as a terrorist-used substance.