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Comfortably Short

I’m so short that my kids can put things out of my reach.

I’m so short that my cats try to pet ME.

I’m so short that I look for clothing sales at Gap Kids.

I’m so short that when the sun rises, I’m the last one to see it.

I’m so short that I can actually drive by looking through the steering wheel instead of over it….while sitting straight up.

I’m so short that when I take my kids to the fair, I get funny looks from the attendants when I walk past the “you must be this tall to ride” signs. 

I’m so short that I have to keep a step stool in almost every room of my house. 

I’m so short that I don’t have to worry about age induced back problems because I have to look up at EVERYONE. 

Back in middle and grade school, I got called every name you can think of because of my height. I’ve heard so many short jokes in my lifetime that I don’t take offense to them at all. As a matter of fact, I’m usually the first person to crack one. I embraced who I am a long time ago. My mother is 4’11”. My late father was 5’10”. I’m nestled right between them. 

Tell all the short jokes you want. I’ll be the first one to laugh. That’s called being okay with myself. 

 

Thinner

No, I’m not cursed, nor am I sick.

I have not been touched by a gypsy of ill repute.

You see, since transitioning from office life to working in a grocery store (which is considerably more physical), I’ve managed to lose all the weight I gained from sitting at a desk all day. In total, we’re talking about 30 pounds.

Keep in mind folks, I’m an only child, and while I’m well into my 40’s, my mother still tries to dress me. My recent weight loss has left her perplexed because she can no longer find outfits that fit me well.

I had to wear this exact same outfit last Easter because Mom bought it and she wanted to see me in one of her nice outfits that she’d purchased for me.

Unfortunately, my mother, big as her heart is, does not share my taste in clothing. I’m pretty sure that her sense of fashion doesn’t reach past 1985, and it pretty much peaked at 1977. Still, the dutiful son, I’ll make myself wear one of the outfits she got for me to show appreciation for her efforts. 

Of course, when I do this, my wife refuses to be seen with me and it’s usually a solo act.

This is me leaving church in a suit my mother got for me. I didn’t see my wife for a week.

The recent weight loss has me back down to my high school weight, which puts me at a size 29 waist, and my mom​ cannot find outfits that I can wear (in public). She was lamenting this to me yesterday and commented that I needed to put the weight back on so she would have better clothing options for me.
I went right to the store and bought some Slim Fast.

 
 

Whippersnappers!!!

I just read that kids and teens are abandoning Tumblr (where I keep my other blog) for simpler social media outlets like Snapchat and Instagram.

For heaven’s sake, I just figured out Tumblr. 

Granted, it’s more picture driven and random (as opposed to cohesive thoughts here on WordPress), but it serves a purpose for me. I’ve even got an unfinished short story sitting in limbo there.

The simplification of communication with today’s youth continues….

 
 

All the Cheese!

So, this is like my life now. I was promoted again to run the cold cuts and specialty cheeses department at my grocery store. I’ve been ordered to learn all about the cheese.

I’m gonna get fat. 

 

Lunch with Mom

So, today at lunch, my mother asked me if I’d ever consider putting myself in an environment where I felt more intellectually challenged (I work at a grocery store as a dairy manager). I still get compliments about my level of intelligence from friends and and co-workers; and she seems to think that it sometimes goes to waste.

My response to her was that I’m actually quite content with my present environment. At age 44, I’ve traveled, I’ve been involved in complicated projects, I’ve reached the level of consumate professional.

I find it to be overrated.

I like my life simple now. I like being at the to of the intelligence food chain at work. Is that lazy? Quite possibly; but it results in fewer worries brought home so I can better concentrate on my wife, my kids, my household. I like that.

Sure, it’s nice to mix it up with folks I can converse with on my level; but only in social settings nowadays. At 44, I’ve got (hopefully) another 40 years of good living in me. I’d like to spend some of it relaxing, and the rest a a job that  enjoy and that I don’t find mentally taxing.

Lunch was good, by the way. Shrimp poboy at Buffalo Wild Wings. 

 
 

Weekends in Retail

Pretty much how everyone feels by Sunday night….

 
 

Unexpected Benefits of Being in Your Mid-40’s

Unexpected Benefits of Being in Your Mid-40’s

1. Picking your nose in public no longer makes you uncomfortable. You don’t care about anyone else that gets uncomfortable either.

And in conclusion, I’ll be wiping this on someone’s chair.

2. People under age 30 regard you as wise.

Until you forget something.

3. No one faults you for spending an entire day in your robe because you’re “old”.

I’m going to WalMart. You kids want anything?

4. You start counting the days to AARP discounts.

Don’t forget our discounts, young missy! We have our cards!

5. Getting carded to buy alcohol makes you smile.

She didn’t believe that I’m 47!

6. Other adults don’t scowl at you when you cuss.

Actually, no surprise at all.

7. You can blame laziness on aches and pains without being questioned.

How every man over age 40 approaches a chore….

8. 7:00pm is an acceptable bedtime.

Me and my wife. Literally. Every goddamn night.

9. A vacation gets redefined as 3 days of not leaving your house.

We’re actually home. We’re just not coming out.

10. Talking about sex more openly becomes hilariously amusing.

I understand your pain, dear. Next time you simply must use more lube.

Got any to add? 😁

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2017 in And now for something different