For Cat Owners Only

You can really only appreciate this if you own a cat.

If you own a cat then you know about periodically “de-catting” your house.  It’s time for me to “de-cat” my house.

I’m not talking about throwing the little bastards out.

“De-catting” is a term that I coined that means painstakingly removing any and all traces of “cat residue” from your home.  All cat owners have “cat residue”.  Look at our clothes.  We normally have anywhere from 2 – 3200 cat hairs on us at any given time.  A “seasoned” cat owner will get rid of all black clothes.  They collect cat hairs better than a lint brush.

Cat residue accumulates in the cat owner’s home.  A responsible cat owner will detect this before it becomes a problem and eradicate the offending residue before it becomes a serious problem.  Ever smell “cat” when you walk into someone’s house?  It’s disgusting.  There are 3 sources of “cat residue”.  Let’s take this time to define them.

1. HAIR: This is the reason why I now have bare floors in 85% of my house.  Cats have a quota to meet, y’know.  They are required to shed at least 10,000 hairs per day or risk losing their feline membership card.
2. LITTERBOX:  This one requires the most attention.  Ever go 5 days without flushing the toilet?  Ewww…….
3. PUKE:  Cats puke.  I think it’s entertainment for them.  Remember the bare floors in 85% of my house?  I’ve actually seen one of my cats start dry-heaving on the bare floor and make a run for the carpeted bedroom just so he could upchuck on it.  Cats love to puke on carpet.

On any given day after I’ve recently “de-catted”, you literally cannot tell that I’m an owner of multiple cats.  That’s the purpose of this task.  You never know when you’re going to have visitors.  Why on earth do you want them sitting in cat hair, dodging puke and sniffing the litter box that’s foul enough to make Satan himself get religion?

The reason for this particular de-catting session is due to the fact that I haven’t been at home much recently.  With a girlfriend and daughter that both live an hour away, my spare time has been mostly with them.  Last night, I walked into my house and smelled CAT.  So I’ve scheduled a decatting session for this evening.

Listen carefully folks…..this is the “official” decatting process.

• Attend to the litter box. Nothing like cleaning an animal toilet, y’know.  When decatting you must completely empty, disinfect, and refill the litter box.  Scooping just doesn’t count, mainly because of the unholy lake of cat piss that resides at the bottom.  Now the cats will normally stand around and watch you clean their toilet.  This is entertainment for them because you just became the janitor.  I suggest you carry the litter box outside and conduct your business there.  There is a strategic reason for this.  I once had a garbage bag full of 5 days worth of cat litter, poop and piss burst in my living room when I picked it up.  HAZMAT was at my house in 5 minutes.  I had to write a formal letter of apology to the EPA.  After emptying this filthy thing, pour some bleach into it and then spray some water into it as well.  Then let it sit for about 10 minutes before you rinse it out and let it dry for another 10 minutes.  Believe me, you have plenty to do during the wait time.  Once it’s dry, refill the box and bring it back in.  Remember to sprinkle a box of Arm N Hammer in first.
• While the cat box is sitting outside, take care of vacuuming any and all cat-affected areas. This gives you the opportunity to chase the cats all over the house with the vacuum cleaner.  This terrorizes them and it entertains you.  Be sure to get the corners of the house with the vacuum.  You see, cats will multiply by the collection of the 10K hairs that they shed on a daily basis.  That’s right, they can actually create another cat.  You must rid the house of the hairs before they take form.  You hear about the old ladies that have 50 cats in their house?  It’s not reproduction….cats 5-50 are just fully formed hairballs.  Make sure you use the vacuum with upholstery attachments so you can get the furniture.
• If you have bare floors, you must mop. Mopping gets a lot of the cat smell out of the house.  Pine sol, my man….pine sol.  You’re going to have to move furniture to do this properly.  The cats will not help.  As a matter of fact, when you pick up the 450 lb couch by yourself, they will take turns running between your legs in an attempt to trip you.  This is retaliation for chasing them with the vacuum cleaner.
• Go puke hunting. Some cats will puke out in the open. “Look at what I did!!”.  Others will hide it from you in hopes that you won’t discover it for 2-5 years.  You have to literally examine the entire house.  Look inside of closets.  Look behind the toilet.  Look under the furniture.  Look in your shoes.  Look in the medicine cabinet (I’m still trying to figure out how they pulled that one off).  You will need anything from a soft brush to a chisel and caustic acid to a power grinder to remove cat puke.  The older it gets the better the chances of having to dynamite the area to break that stuff up.
• Lysol THE ENTIRE HOUSE. I don’t think I have to explain this.  I love my cats, but the over accumulation of cat residue is just nasty.

At this point, your house should smell like you live in it again.  If you haven’t decatted in a while, steps 2-5 may have to be repeated on a daily basis until you reach a satisfactory point with the smell and cleanliness.  DON’T try to determine this yourself.  Invite a friend over .  Cats have the ability to remove your olfactory senses while you’re sleeping.  If your house needs decatting, you’ll be the last to know…..just watch the looks on the faces of your human visitors when they come by.  If the nose scrunches up….you’re overdue.  The entire process will take 45 minutes to 1.5 hours….depending on the size of your house and how many cats you have.  I have 3 cats in my house, so it keeps me pretty busy for about an hour.

May the force be with you…..or at least the Pine Sol……