Grooming Problems

This is another old one folks.  This actually happened to me back around July of 2004.  Like “tales from the (internet) crypt”, it’s not exaggerated…..but it’s funny.   I haven’t attempted this again since it happened.

I tell this story at great risk of personal embarrassment.

At the same time, it also gives me a small opportunity to stretch my legs as a story teller. I’m finding that I’m getting better at building a brief storyline that keeps folks interested. Since most of my stories involve personal experience, I can spend time laughing at myself and reliving some of the stupid things I’ve done over the years.

This is one of those stupid things.

Hide the kids, by the way, because this one is PG-13 at best.

Anyway, on with the show….

It’s common knowledge with my local friends that I have undertaken the shaved look when it comes to hairstyles. This is much lamented by my mother, who insists I would look better with a little hair on my head. My last girlfriend though was a huge fan of Vin Diesel, so (despite my height) I decided to shave my head on a more consistent basis to give off a similar silhouette.

I’m vain that way….

Besides, cutting your own hair is inexpensive, and I’m a cheapskate. I like low-maintenance hairstyles, and since I’m black, letting it grow out means I’ve got an afro in months.

I don’t do Afros.

So this past Saturday morning was hair cutting day. Despite the fact that it looks easy, this is actually a long process if you’re doing it yourself. The proper tools include not only a razor, but also electric of hair clippers. Since this is normally a solo venture, I’m looking at about 20 minutes of cutting and shaving in various contorted positions to make sure I get everything, but it looks good on me when I’m done. This particular Saturday was no different. I had just finished and was admiring my work. I had no shirt on and was quite proud of the results.

Now before I go on, let me reiterate as I’ve said before that men are naturally stupid creatures. Sure some of us possess some degree of intelligence, but most of life’s lessons were learnt by doing something dumb. We’re all still about 15 years old and a lot of things are still learned on a trial by error basis. Fortunately, we have you women around to keep us from killing ourselves. Since I am presently without the luxury of a girlfriend or significant other, I am in a lot of danger.

So while I am admiring myself, I notice that there is some excess hair on my chest and underarms. Being the curious type, and of the opinion that “it’ll grow back”, I decided to give it a whirl. Keep in mind, I still have electric clippers in hand. A few swipes here and there and I decide to get brave. Okay. Hollywood guys do it, why can’t I? Besides, a smooth chest and arms accents my muscles.

Now by brave, I mean that I started to work my way down south. Giving my abs a once-over initially. It was then that I noticed some unsightly hair in the “nether region”. The dialogue to myself went something like this:

“Boy, that could stand some trimming too. Nothing wrong with evening things up a little down there. Besides, if I don’t like it, who’s gonna see?”

Again keep in mind that I have electric clippers.

ELECTRIC clippers.

Anyway, after “beating around the bush” (pun intended) a little, I started working on the undercarriage. I mean, who wants excess hair down there, anyway?

This is where the stupidity really kicks in folks.

Let’s just say that those blades on the clippers move really fast. They’re also really sharp. In addition, they also have a tendency to get snarled up in loose skin.

…in an area that bleeds a lot.

My initial reaction was shock. If you can imagine, I just froze, with the clippers still in one hand (still buzzing) and my “business” in the other with a nice 1/8 inch gash, with a steady little stream of blood now oozing from it.

At this point, by brain…a guy’s brain, mind you, starts listing possible complications to my newest dilemma:

• Should I call an ambulance?
• How do I elevate it above my heart to stop the bleeding?
• Where do I put the bandage?
• If I die like this I’m gonna look really silly.

Fortunately, my body works just fine and the bleeding did eventually stop; but, for the remainder of the day sitting did produce a faint sting from the now tender area. And y’know, I’ve knicked myself shaving before. It’s no big deal and you just finish the job. Cutting anything down there though will make a guy lose all rationale. For a moment I actually considered calling my roommate (a paramedic) to be advised on how to handle the situation. In retrospect, I can say that I’ve learned my lesson, though, and I have a newfound respect for you ladies that do this on a regular basis. Asking a guy to groom that area with a sharp object is just asking for a disaster. I think I’ll stick with just shaving my head and put the clippers away after that.

Please no bikini waxing jokes. This is embarrassing enough.